2k9 - worst year ever

my father passed away, my only relationship which can be called 'real' ceased to function, i had to move twice in two months and i've already lost almost all of my friends.

to remain alive is a never-ending battle.

i cannot wait to see what else 2oo9 has in store for me.

woodnote

we need nobody to let ourselves flow

unstable

it's not so easy to choose one side and remain there. many things come and go and they keep altering the whole pattern. everything, i mean _every_ thing is incredibly easy - theoretically. but the practical side has nothing to do with the theoretical one.

"a hundred years to love..."

i'm just swinging from one side to the other. back and forth, like an endless game, a vicious circle. waiting, thinking, dreaming, regretting, praying, crying, questioning, searching. being desperate and angry at the same time.

i've also mastered my blank look.

i don't really know who i am right now. i know that something is missing and i know what it is.

"your god is not my god"

16.26

meg szerencse, h nem olvassa kutya sem ezt, igy csak szamomra nevetseges.

remek kis delutani almombol orulok, hogy vegre felkeltem, mert csokoloztam egy nalam sokkal fiatalabb _idegen_ sraccal csak azert, mert mar hianyzott valaki kozelsege, ugy ereztem, hogy elegem van mindenbol, es muszaj. plusz apukam regi szokasahoz hiven fel-le rohangalt a regi hazban, mintha azota nem repult volna el par ev es valtozott volna meg minden. anyukam pedig egy macsoda nevu konyv boldog tulajdonosa volt, aminek az allt a fedolapjan, hogyha barmikor elalszol es utana osszejon, hogy 8 orat az alvas allapotaban tolts, es mindezt megszorzod a honap 3x napjaval, akkor 5 kilot tudsz fogyni. ez a macsoda, erted. meg a szomszed alkalmazott 3 ciganyt, es hazajoveteluk utan az egyik berugva atjott a mi udvarunkra/feszerunkbe, es beszolt nekem, mikozben egy novel beszeltem telefonon. noha alig hallottam, de meg lettem hivva egy aug. 12-tol 26-ig tarto rendezvenyre, ami a pusztaknal van valahol, a pusztadobosi ut kornyeken, hatvantol tiz km-re. na mar most pusztadobos erosen zahony fele van, nem az orszag kozepe fele. ejnye, topografiabol almomban sem vok jo.

mindebbol az a tanulsag, hogy almomban is ugy vok, mint a kisujjam - egyedul. meg meg mindig hianyzik az apukam. meg mindenki rakban hal meg, hova tart ez a vilag?

it's been awhile

since i knew what was right and what was wrong. though the whole world is full of colors, full of lights, some things never change. some things remain black, white, unchanged and unchangeable.
i have tolerated enough, i had it all, it proved itself to be too much. so thanks for coming.

things and people never change.