under

reading back, i've just realized that not many things have changed in the course of approx. 5-6 years. one might say i've been broken since then. that one would be me.

those things that i wrote 6 years ago, those were kinda premonitions that have actually come true. now i'm a struggling hypersensitive sponge that absorbs miniature changes, modifications, movements. i can't shake the feeling that i walk like a broken thing, i speak like a broken thing, i live like a broken thing. even my thinking is broken.
just today, i was talking about the possibility of having a breakdown. would it have helped me? i think if i had hit rock bottom, i would at least have known that there's nothing further down. but now? it's like carefully going up, just popping my head up a little, then keeping it above the surface and then bham, something in the face and we're down under again but maybe this time it's deeper. and every time, it's always deeper and deeper.
living alone is like sitting in a boat alone. you're in the middle and it's fine, you guess the boat is not going anywhere but fuck it, at least i'm not wet. later, you slide to one side and fuck it number two, you need to struggle your way back alone if you don't want to fall into the water. and it gets harder coz by the time you slide back towards the middle, you just realize that you slid too much so now you're on the other side, slowly but definitely going towards the edge. constant fight to find balance. at least when you have someone, that someone can be supportive for you when you can't do it for yourself.