under

reading back, i've just realized that not many things have changed in the course of approx. 5-6 years. one might say i've been broken since then. that one would be me.

those things that i wrote 6 years ago, those were kinda premonitions that have actually come true. now i'm a struggling hypersensitive sponge that absorbs miniature changes, modifications, movements. i can't shake the feeling that i walk like a broken thing, i speak like a broken thing, i live like a broken thing. even my thinking is broken.
just today, i was talking about the possibility of having a breakdown. would it have helped me? i think if i had hit rock bottom, i would at least have known that there's nothing further down. but now? it's like carefully going up, just popping my head up a little, then keeping it above the surface and then bham, something in the face and we're down under again but maybe this time it's deeper. and every time, it's always deeper and deeper.
living alone is like sitting in a boat alone. you're in the middle and it's fine, you guess the boat is not going anywhere but fuck it, at least i'm not wet. later, you slide to one side and fuck it number two, you need to struggle your way back alone if you don't want to fall into the water. and it gets harder coz by the time you slide back towards the middle, you just realize that you slid too much so now you're on the other side, slowly but definitely going towards the edge. constant fight to find balance. at least when you have someone, that someone can be supportive for you when you can't do it for yourself.

bad holiday

you don’t want to see the lights

you don’t want the company to see you cry

How did we become so distant

like I'm the one to blame, you're innocent

I tried to make a way, make a difference

but some things don't change I can't complain

I tried not to think about you

What can I say every time I get near I want that old thing back

#360

ain't it nice that i've reached exactly the 360th post... could be symbolic, referring to a full cycle. meaning that i am where i started.

rereading my posts helped me realize that i am still that miserable nobody who i used to be.
things and people never change.
you are and always will be, alone.
nobody really understands you, including your own self.
life is about a grand tour of meaningless survival.

there are times when you feel you're connected. to be honest, these are just dots in the line and the whole line is about suffering and struggling alone.

a minap meglattam egy pizsamaalsomon a feliratot, 'who loves ya?' es elbogtem magam. igazabol senki sem szeret engem csak azert, aki vagyok, van bennem boven kivetnivalo es fennakadasi pont, es ezt eleget is hallom. en magam sem szeretem magam. talan anyu volt az egyetlen, aki elfogadott 100% olyannak, amilyenne formalodtam... tole sosem ereztem az elvarast, a belekotest, a kovetelozest. mindenki mastol ezt erzem, es hogy oszinte legyek csomokat kot a hatam tetejere, amitol nem tudok aludni estenkent, amitol felriadok minden masodik oraban, amitol allandoan bognom kell, amitol egy ilyen nyomorult nyomorek leszek, akinek se onbizalma, se ontudata, se kiallasa.

"elmulik a vilag, es annak abrazatja" - remelem gyorsan.

I always knew it'd come to this

Things have never been so swell

And I have never failed to fail 

csak ugy kozlom, hogy

mindenkinek megvan a sajat nyomora.

running battle / kasabian

the cold wind of loneliness has just blown through my shallow body.

all lyin' across the ground
try not to make no sound

where are you i don't know now
gonna miss you through a lifetime

another day i feel the same
i'm cutting and i'm bleeding

true story.